this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
