Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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