My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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