the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
