I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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