Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
