I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
