I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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