I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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