the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
