Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
