im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
