I think my vagina is haunted
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
