If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
