please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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