careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
