meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
