im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
