My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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