How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
