i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
