It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
