whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
