She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
