as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
