This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
