I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
