i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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