HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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