Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i came on her dog
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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