i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
