Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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