My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
