The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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