The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
