Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
