This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
