wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
