we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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