the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The Olympian is in my bed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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