Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
