So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
