I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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