i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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