I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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