i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
