Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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