He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
