did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
