you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
