we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And then my night got REAL pukey
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
